Monday, February 10, 2014

Here is the information about my Gimp-o-mobile:

1) No, you can't ride it
2) No, it doesn't tip over
3) No, I don't have to balance
4) It runs on electricity
5) It will go 15 MPH
6) It will go 24 miles on a single charge
7) 8 hours to recharge a fully depleted battery
8) $6000 and change
9) The inventor did not die going over a cliff
10) Yes, it's fun to ride (A LOT more fun than my crutches)

Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Treat Your Man Like A Dog!

I have neighbor who has an obnoxious little Chihuahua mix. It was a total pain in the ass kind of dog…hyper, barking, pooping, biting, pissing kind of dog. I watched how she trained him.

When the dog was calm (rarely) and not pooping or pissing in the house, she pretty well ignored him.

When the dog was being his normal and irritating self, she would launch into prolonged didactics aimed at the dog. She would withhold treats 6 hours after he had misbehaved as though he would understand. She could not understand what she was doing wrong.

After explaining that a stupid Chihuahua could not connect a behavior from hours ago with the current punishment, I helped to train her how to have a better dog. Punishment for infractions were loud, swift and immediate. Then…nothing more. When the dog was doing a wanted behavior, he was quickly rewarded and the reward was lonnnnnng and “BIG”. I showed her how to “good puppy” her dog.

The dog has calmed, considerably, and exhibits good behavior as the “norm” now. This is Behavior Modification in its purest form. I call it the “carrot and the toothpick” approach. I give the carrot often and without hesitation for ANY wanted behaviors. Unwanted behaviors are greeted with a quick stab of the toothpick to the ass (figuratively) with a sharp “NO!” and then back to the carrot if the behavior is corrected.

When men do something wrong and we have to endure the prolonged admonishments, we hear, “blah, blah, blah…you always…blah, blah, blah”. Yes ladies, we tune you out. When we manage to get our dirty clothes into the hamper instead of dumped in a heap in the middle of the floor, we get a brief and tepid, “thanks”…period.

Using the carrot and the toothpick approach, here is how to treat your man like a dog:
He manages to actually bring in his dishes from the living room and to get them into the sink, what do you do? Is this a behavior that you want him to continue? You make a big deal out of it. Praise him. Explain how much you appreciate his help and how it makes you feel like he cares about you. Go on and on. Next time, he may even rinse them and get them into the dishwasher. Again, BIG carrot time! Heap the praises on him. He will love it and work his ass off to get more.

So, now he left a slice of bologna on the floor and during the night, you slipped on it while getting a glass of water. Tell him that what he did was rude and inconsiderate…and then stop!

Men have a 5 second attention span when we are being scolded. Anything more than that is a waste of time. Remember the toothpick. Jam it (again, figuratively) into his ass and then walk away. We will know we screwed up and you don’t need to try to explain it in 137 different ways to make us understand. Think “BAD dog!” and let it go.

Men need to be petted and told we are doing well. At first, it may be every time. Over time, you can look for that expectant look from us and give us the occasional “Good dog!” as a reinforcement for wanted behaviors. Make sure the "GOOD dog" is long and sincere.


So…does it work? Remember, this is my program. I taught it to my ex-wife and she used my own program on me. Even though I knew she was using the program…MY program…on me, it worked.

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Portland Half-Con

Well...the Portland Half-Con is now forever enshrined in history. Klaatu was first to arrive at 12:05. As he hadn't seen the updates recently, he had no idea what name the reservation was under and [hilarity ensues] finally figured it all out and realized nobody was there yet.

Also, found out that 21Quest was going to be a no-show. He said his head blew up on the way in. Obviously, he was preparing a new and great idea that turned out to be too much for his brain(?)

Klaatu left for 20 minutes to kick up his carboxyhemoglobin levels. When he returned, Gisho was waiting.

Klaatu and Gisho waited together...and waited...and waited. Finally, 2 familiar faces showed at the door and the Canadian contingent had arrived. We sat around playing Edward Forty Hands until we were all falling down drunk. Toward the end of the Half-Con, 2Fries tried to pay with that funny money that they have up north and the waitress refused to accept it. The ensuing brawl brought sirens racing into the city. 2Fries noticed that the sirens south of the border sound a bit different than the Canadian sirens. While this was all going on, the sky opened up and hail and rain descended upon the restaurant. 

The waitress came by about 14:00 hrs and asked if there was someone named "Shinook". We all shrugged and said, "Sorry, no." Later, she came by and spelled the name, "C-A-N-U-C-K" and said Chris had called from London. Day-uhm! Sorry Po...

Klaatu called 21Quest on the way home and Quest said he was only an hour away at mile marker 148. (I sure wish I had a car that could go 148 M.P.H.!) Quest was disappointed that the Canadians had to beat a hasty retreat and he wouldn't be able to meet them, but 2Fries has that ticket, eh?

Click on the pictures to view them full-size...

Gisho

From L to R: 2fries, Canuck, Gisho

L to R: Klaatu, Canuck, Gisho
L to R: 2fries, Canuck, Gisho
(Picture was taken after we escaped police custody)

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Briton Pleads Not Guilty After Drunken Bomb Threat

DUBAI (AFP) — A Briton who sparked a bomb alert on an Emirates flight from Manchester to Dubai in July while he was drunk told a court in the Gulf emirate that he was joking, newspapers reported on Thursday.

"It was a joke," Mark Winter, 37, told the court on Wednesday, as he pleaded not guilty to attacking a civilian airliner, the papers said.

Winter, who triggered panic by claiming he had a bomb that would explode in seven minutes, admitted he had been drinking, the papers said.

Emirates airline said on July 9 that a drunken Briton sparked the bomb alert as its flight from England landed in Dubai.

An official for the Dubai carrier said the passenger had an argument with one of the crew and then claimed a bomb was on the aircraft, which was later searched and no explosives found.

A prosecution spokesman said last month that Winter would be tried on charges of assaulting the aircraft and passengers as well as drunkenness.

"I was drunk. I was unaware of what I was doing ... I did not assault the flight attendant. I did not assault the passengers but I was trying to defend myself," the English-language daily Khaleej Times quoted Winter as telling the court.

The court will issue its verdict on September 17, the newspaper added.

Friday, August 15, 2008

Another Drunk Passenger Incident - August 14, 2008

From SkyNews:

A flight between Ireland and Crete have been diverted and five people removed by police after a fight broke out on board.

One eyewitness who was on the plane when it was forced to make an unscheduled landing in Venice last night said a man began smashing overhead compartments.

One of the 167 passengers on the Futura Gael flight 2815 from Dublin to Heraklion, Aoife O'Reilly, from Dublin, said those responsible had been drinking.

"We were up in the air and two guys - who were surprisingly a lot older than us - started fights," she said.

"Then we had to be redirected to Venice for a couple of hours. The police came on and had to get them off.

"They had a couple of drinks on them, they were extremely aggressive. One of the guys half-way through the flight stood up and started smashing the overhead compartments."

Italian border police based at Marco Polo airport in Venice said the men were all Irish and aged between 25 and 30.

They were not arrested but put on a plane back to Ireland, the authorities said.

Dublin-based Futura Gael, which runs charter flights to holiday destinations, apologised to passengers who were delayed by several hours.
"The incident occurred in Italian airspace at approximately 10pm Irish time, where a number of passengers were involved in an incident on board," said a spokesman.

"The captain then made the decision, for the safety of all on board, to divert to Venice, where the aircraft was met by members of the Italian police.
"Five people were removed from the aircraft by Italian police and the remaining passengers continued their flight approximately two hours later and have arrived safely in Heraklion."

The airline said it had launched its own internal investigation.

Saturday, August 2, 2008

This Country Is Run By Idiots

Here is the response to my request to ban all alcohol from U.S. flights:


Dear Mr. Hxxxxxx:

Thank you for contacting me regarding voter registration for our nation’s veterans. I appreciate hearing from you on this important issue, and I share your concerns.

Our nation’s veterans have selflessly answered the call to serve, and many have paid a heavy price for their service and now require care at VA facilities. Their ability to register to vote should never be hampered by their need for medical treatment.

With this in mind, I have cosponsored the Veteran Voting Support Act. This legislation allows states to require the VA to make voter registration services available at their facilities and to assist veterans in receiving and using absentee ballots. The legislation would also allow non-partisan groups and election officials to visit VA campuses and conduct voter registration drives.

Additionally, I have written to the Secretary of Veterans Affairs, James Peake, and asked him to reconsider the ban on voter registration drives at VA facilities. VA medical centers should serve as a place of civic engagement for some of our most patriotic Americans, not a place where they feel displaced or forgotten. America's democracy rests on the ability of all voters – veterans, soldiers, and civilians alike – to make their voice heard on Election Day.

As you may know, on April 25, the Veterans Health Administration (VHA) issued policy Directive 2008-023, which required all Veterans Affairs facilities to develop a comprehensive plan to assist veterans with voter registration. Less than two weeks later, the VHA replaced this policy with a new directive. While still aimed at assisting veterans with voting and registration, this new policy makes one major change from the original – a prohibition on third-party voter registration drives at VA facilities.

I agree that a blanket prohibition on all registration drives prevents a potentially valuable resource from reaching these veterans. The very least our country can do is provide them with every convenience and resource available to cast their ballots on Election Day. Please rest assured that as I continue to work on behalf of our veterans, I will keep your views in mind.

Again, thank you for keeping me apprised of the issues that are important to you. If I may be of further assistance, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Sincerely,


Ron Wyden
United States Senator

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Brick Wall?

Yesterday, I contacted the ALPA (Air Line Pilots Association) and was promised a call back from Brendan Kenny in their Government Affairs division. My idea must have gone over like flatus in a phone booth. Nothing. No call. No e-mail. Nada.

I would have hoped for backing from the ALPA since it is their pilots who must deal with the drunk passenger and make the decision to divert, if needed. As a private pilot, I want to fly the airplane and not have to deal with emergencies inside the plane. Even a sick passenger can really be distracting. With the lives of hundreds of passengers on board, the stress of a drunk and potentially dangerous passenger would be too much to handle. My hats off to the professional pilots.

I'm still holding out hope for a call or an e-mail today.