Wednesday, September 11, 2013

Treat Your Man Like A Dog!

I have neighbor who has an obnoxious little Chihuahua mix. It was a total pain in the ass kind of dog…hyper, barking, pooping, biting, pissing kind of dog. I watched how she trained him.

When the dog was calm (rarely) and not pooping or pissing in the house, she pretty well ignored him.

When the dog was being his normal and irritating self, she would launch into prolonged didactics aimed at the dog. She would withhold treats 6 hours after he had misbehaved as though he would understand. She could not understand what she was doing wrong.

After explaining that a stupid Chihuahua could not connect a behavior from hours ago with the current punishment, I helped to train her how to have a better dog. Punishment for infractions were loud, swift and immediate. Then…nothing more. When the dog was doing a wanted behavior, he was quickly rewarded and the reward was lonnnnnng and “BIG”. I showed her how to “good puppy” her dog.

The dog has calmed, considerably, and exhibits good behavior as the “norm” now. This is Behavior Modification in its purest form. I call it the “carrot and the toothpick” approach. I give the carrot often and without hesitation for ANY wanted behaviors. Unwanted behaviors are greeted with a quick stab of the toothpick to the ass (figuratively) with a sharp “NO!” and then back to the carrot if the behavior is corrected.

When men do something wrong and we have to endure the prolonged admonishments, we hear, “blah, blah, blah…you always…blah, blah, blah”. Yes ladies, we tune you out. When we manage to get our dirty clothes into the hamper instead of dumped in a heap in the middle of the floor, we get a brief and tepid, “thanks”…period.

Using the carrot and the toothpick approach, here is how to treat your man like a dog:
He manages to actually bring in his dishes from the living room and to get them into the sink, what do you do? Is this a behavior that you want him to continue? You make a big deal out of it. Praise him. Explain how much you appreciate his help and how it makes you feel like he cares about you. Go on and on. Next time, he may even rinse them and get them into the dishwasher. Again, BIG carrot time! Heap the praises on him. He will love it and work his ass off to get more.

So, now he left a slice of bologna on the floor and during the night, you slipped on it while getting a glass of water. Tell him that what he did was rude and inconsiderate…and then stop!

Men have a 5 second attention span when we are being scolded. Anything more than that is a waste of time. Remember the toothpick. Jam it (again, figuratively) into his ass and then walk away. We will know we screwed up and you don’t need to try to explain it in 137 different ways to make us understand. Think “BAD dog!” and let it go.

Men need to be petted and told we are doing well. At first, it may be every time. Over time, you can look for that expectant look from us and give us the occasional “Good dog!” as a reinforcement for wanted behaviors. Make sure the "GOOD dog" is long and sincere.

So…does it work? Remember, this is my program. I taught it to my ex-wife and she used my own program on me. Even though I knew she was using the program…MY program…on me, it worked.